Walking, Talking, Poison

Im going to Disneyland.....

2006-02-27T19:01:00.000-05:00

I will start off with an apology. I know I have been neglecting my “duties” as of late, posting, participating, and much more. I thought I would post/write this from my own mouth, rather than have you hear it passed on later. I recently was a resident of the Madison County Jail. My husband and I (we are still living in the same house) were called out onto the porch, told we had warrants out on each of us, and that we had better find someone to watch our children quickly. Confused, we inquired about the charges for the warrant. The charge on each of us is called “compulsory attendance”. In short, if your child or children, misses one too many days at school, warrants are issued, and you get arrested and get to be a guest of the county jail for a bit.

Now to be fair here, we had been warned previously about this issue. My son had missed 5 days of school and an officer came to the house to talk to us. He informed us that the problem wasn’t attendance, but the fact that we hadn’t called the school each time. After a nice talk with this officer both my husband and I agreed to call the school each time my son was going to be absent. He was happy with that and thanked us for being cooperative.

What the hell happened from there, I have no idea? I can tell you my son and everyone else in this house had a horrible flu virus and I believe he missed 6 school days due to that. I called on the first Monday he missed and told the school not to expect him there all week due to us all vomiting and high fevers. The person on the phone thanked me for calling and said she would make a note of it. I called the following Monday saying he was still not fully well, but I expected him to be back the next day. There didn’t seem to be any problem. Since that time, he missed one other day, due to him not sleeping at all because his 2 yr old brother was teething and screaming and keeping him up all night. Also, he was about 5 minutes tardy 2 times because my husband walked him to school on his week of vacation, and he is a heavy sleeper and missed alarm clocks going off.

YES, my son has missed more than 10 days of school. Why? 6 days was due to the flu, at least 2 were because of a lice outbreak (which by the way if you find any bugaboos in their hair, you’re not ALLOWED to send them to school), 1 was because he was afraid of a bully on the bus. I cannot tell you what the others were, I don’t remember. I do not remember my parents keeping a catalog of days I stayed home and thus never felt the need to do so either. As a matter of fact, I remember my parents keeping me home for a few NON sick reasons! Those are some of the best memories I have as a matter of fact. Sometimes it was after a big snow and they got together with their other friends to take us sledding, sometimes it was a family picnic or fishing. As far as I was and still AM concerned, those were all very good reasons for missing school.

Getting back to the point of the story here… My husband and I were given the option to call someone or put our children in custody of Child Protective Services. Being as most of our friends had moved away from this area, we only had one choice, our landlord. He is an amazingly compassionate person and agreed to watch our children immediately. The officers informed us that there would be a $300 bond on each of us, and if we brought it with us, we would be out in a couple of hours. So I grabbed the money for each of us.

So now lets get down to the nitty gritty. The officers said they had warrants but could not produce any. They said, “That’s not the way it’s done now, we don’t get copies.” They did however have a judge’s name and a cause number. My landlord, god love him, said he wanted to see the warrants themselves, but when the officers started getting agitated, I started pacing and worrying that he was making things worse. He took my cue and let the issue go. From there we were led to their SUV which was parked down the block. (I find this dumb just because we had 3 little kids in the house, did they think we were going to try to escape out a window with our kids in tow or something?) They then handcuffed us but read us NO Miranda rights. We were then taken to the county jail, processed, fingerprinted, mug shots, etcetera. I told the female officer processing me that I had brought the money for bond and she somewhat shrugged it off. We were then thrown into what are commonly known as “drunk tanks”. 6’ by 12’ cells with concrete floors, and a steel bench that’s not so much a bench but a lump of steel on the floor. I’m assuming they put them there so they cannot be sued by some drunk or high asshole that claims to be injured by falling off of it.

After a while in the tank, some officer came in to read the charges against me again, I’m not sure why, still no Miranda’s. He named my charge over again and then left. In the cell with me was a woman that looked to be about 7 months pregnant. She made a comment to me that they were sure making the rounds tonight. I just looked at her. She then told me that she was there for the same reason I was, only it was a completely different situation. She had a 13 year old son that fell in with the wrong crowd. He had been skipping school for some time. She had done everything she could with him, within the law. She of course couldn’t spank or beat his butt, because that’s against the law. She couldn’t kick him out, that’s against the law also. She did the best she could, taking him to the bus everyday and making damn sure his butt got on it. The problem was between the school bus and the school doors. He didn’t seem to make it in between the two. While his other classmates were walking into the school doors, he was walking back home. And STILL, this is all her fault, and she is responsible, and therefore arrested and facing time in jail. This blew my mind, how is it all on her and not partially the schools fault? Yet that same school called her in and had a warrant put out on her.

In the mean time, while all this is sinking in, I watch 3 hours pass by on the clock. I knock on the soundproof glass and ask how much longer I have got. An officer tells me about 5 to 10 minutes. An HOUR later, he lets me out and asks if I need to make a phone call. I say no, I want to go home, and that I bonded out hours ago. He asks the female that processed me if I bonded out, she says no, I haven’t contacted the judge. I was confused, noticeably. The officer then informed me that it didn’t matter if I had money or not, if they didn’t talk to the judge, I wasn’t going anywhere. Now my mind is reeling. I told my landlord he’d be stuck with my kids for a couple hours, and we’re already 4 hours into this. I try to explain my situation to the officers, but it doesn’t matter, I am standing in my socks on a concrete cell floor and just another piece of shit sub-human. Thankfully a nurse overheard my conversation and told me during my physical that if I had someone come in and sign for me, I would not have to wait as long. After another hour, I finally got to make a phone call. I called home and asked my landlord if he would come sign my bond. He said yes, he would sign for both of us. This may sound like nothing to you all, but I want to explain, by signing that piece of paper, if either my husband or I flee, he is responsible for our combined $6000 fine.

So…..hours and hours later we are still trying to figure out exactly what happened here. We did everything we were supposed to do and still got arrested. This isn’t the end either. If we lose in court were looking at $6000 fines plus court costs. AND a three year jail term, EACH! It wasn’t enough being thrown in a cell for hours and having to deal with someone who just got thrown in there for stabbing another woman in the eye. (A story for a different day) But now they are going to milk every penny out of us they can in every way they can. This may sound overly dramatic, but I have been to court here. The judges like to put 18 year old kids away for 1 year for having a joint in their car. They like to put people away for non payment of medical bills, I still don’t understand that one, and wouldn’t that be debtor’s prison?

The long and the short of it is, I may be going away for a while. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about any of this, except fight it tooth and nail. And then move on to fight the law itself.

Vectren Energy Delivery aka Modern Day Extortion

2006-02-09T16:25:00.000-05:00

Got Natural Gas??? Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows I stop posting now and then due to being bummed out over bills and things getting disconnected. Here is a perfect example of WHY. Natural gas sux, this is my latest bill!

Well damn, blogger resizing makes it hard to read.(You can click on it for a larger image) My last month's charges were $545.81, this month was a bargain at ONLY $479.23. Exactly how do they expect people to pay for this shit? I got lucky this time around, I just got my income tax return. Unfrotunately most of it is going to these assholes, yet its better than having no heat I guess. I think its important that I note Im not an old lady or heat freak and dont have my thermostat set at 80 or 90 degrees. It usually sits between 68 and 70. I think its a reasonable temp and dont see how someone can charge you that much to keep from freezing to death! Nevermind the fact that the gas itself is so expensive, I am also being charged $75 a month for DISTRIBUTION and SERVICE charges??? What the fuck is that? What service? The meter reader guy that comes out to the house? I wonder if HE knows he should be making $75 per meter read? These people are completely assinine. I suppose a lot of people are probably ranting about these bills. But I also live in a smaller and poor area. I remember last year when a whole family died in a fire because their gas had been shut off so they were reduced to using cheap space heaters. When the head of this company was interviewed, he stated that the family that had perished didn't qualify for assistance because they did not possess the proper paperwork when they applied. PAPERWORK.....

Happy HNT!!!!

2006-02-02T17:49:00.000-05:00

Wow, been a long time since I posted one of these, hehee. Damn webcam scanlines! =(

Just a little note

2006-02-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

I'm finding it increasingly hard to find the time to post again. Especially now that I have gotten back into UE. Im thinking of perhaps changing the format of this blog to be more of a photo blog, at least until I have time to write more again.
On that note, I got a few nice pictures on my last exploration. I'll be posting more once I find a better picture hosting site! These few are from an abandoned theater here in town...

UE, my little secret until now...

2006-01-10T20:25:00.000-05:00

Ever been really into something that you havent openly shared with others? Some obscure hobby type thing you kept to yourself for fear of what others thought? Well Im happy to say, that I was surfing a while back and found not only there is a bunch of others that do what I do, but theres even a name for it...
Urban Exploration
Ever since I can remember Ive been going places Im not supposed to go, or others just wouldnt think to. Abandonned houses, parts of hotels marked "employees only", gated off roads that said "no tresspassing" etc. Yeah I know, sounds like trespassing at a glance, but really its not. Some of these old abandoned buildings are just forgotten about for years until they are usually (unfortunately) torn down. With no urban explorers taking pictures, the grandness of these places would be forgotten. Not to mention the the pieces of personal history others leave behind. Theres just something really beautiful about abandoned places....not something I can really put into words, so I will leave you with a few links so you can see for yourself......

There is a film coming out on the topic of Urban Explorers. You can watch the trailer here
Check out the Danvers Photography here, this place will soon be gone, along with the memories and patient art in it.
There are many more sites if you want to search google or look around a bit more, or you can just ask me!!

Dental Issues

2006-01-04T18:06:00.000-05:00

For those of you who dont know, I have been suffering from dental issues for quite some time. I had 4 very rough (morningsickness and otherwise) pregnancies. I am truly looking forward to the tax check comming soon to get all of my top teeth ripped out and get me some nice PURTY new ones. Haha, sorry but people with bad teeth are so associated with rednecks, and I live in Indiana, so I just HAD to go there.
The reason I bring this up is because I was watching some late night thing on tv when I couldnt sleep. Not sure if it was E true hollywood story, but if not, something similar. It was a show on Patrick Swayze and I really wasnt paying much attention until they said something about him almost losing his leg. That piqued my attention and then they said it was due to sepsis. Sepsis is a severe illness caused by overwheming infection of the bloodstream by toxin-producing bacteria. Now I knew that meningitis and other serious things could cause this. I did NOT know, that an infected tooth could cause it. You can go into septic shock with a 60% death rate from an infected stinking TOOTH! Since then I have been looking up these things on the internet and finding an alarming number of cases. So yeah, considering I have had this problem for almost 10 years, Im a little freaked out here.
More that that, Im pissed. I have never had a dentist tell me that this could occour or happen. The closest thing they have told me was that if I had a heart murmur, they want you to be on antibiotics a few days before removing a tooth. Thats it. Not anything about dying of septic shock. Not anything about infections moving to a joint and possibly losing a limb. Nothing about it affecting my kidney, liver, bowels, lungs, etc. I dont know if any of you have ever been in a bad money situation with no insurance, but no dentist will see you. They dont want to hear about anything involving payments unless it includes a platinum or a goldcard and a perfect credit history. There have been many times I have just layed around for a week or two with a tooth that was just screaming because of lack of funds to go to the dentist. *Gross Factor Warning*This last time, probably about 7 or 8 months ago now, I took a piercing needle to the abscess as the needles are hollow and just let the pus drain to escape some of the pain.** Usually its about 2 weeks of faithfully applying clove oil and hoping it works its way in good enough to kill the root, then usually the tooth cracks off at the gumline later but at least the majority of nerves are dead.
I am pleased to find that medicaid is now accepted at some dentists. Nothing fancy can get done, but at least if you have a throbbing tooth, you can get it pulled out. So, if medicaid finally aquiesced into admitting this was a medical problem, why wont insurance companies?? I still have my ex's dental insurance. Same old crap, they dont cover most things, even after 5 years with the same insurance. Their limit has been the same the whole time, even though its a family plan. I have had 2 kids since we got this insurance, and the max amount they will pay per year remains the same, $1000. Since my last extraction was about $260, you can see how far that goes. But this whole sepsis thing changes things up a bit doesnt it? Shouldnt something that can infect many other parts of your body and kill you be considered a medical issue???
This country sure SUX at taking care of its citizens that it sends to their deaths in other countries, dont it? So today when I scoff at the american flag, or dont stand for the national anthem, no Im not putting down your sons/daughters/nephew/aunt that is off dying somewhere for Bush's profit. Im acting that way because the people that flag represents could care less about us regular non rich types that can die from things like sepsis.
**Oh, I was thinking of posting a pic of my grossness, but #1 I didnt think youd necesarily want to see it, #2 Im not sure that I have enough balls to do it(its really ugly), and #3 Im really lazy and dont want to install my webcam drivers** I dunno, if yall wanna see it its up to you..........

Guess whos back...

2005-12-29T04:31:00.000-05:00

Back again, Poison's back, tell a friend! Muhahahahaha!
Well lets see, I been gone a while so Ill give ya the short skinny on what happened. Like all Po-White-Trash, or any other yellow, brown, red or green trash....my shit got turned off for a bit. Lost the phone for a bit, the gas, the electric, the internet, etc. Got stuck on dial up after I got the phone back, of course then found out I was not in "compliance" with my phone deal because my dial up number(shich THEY gave me) violated the rules of THEIR agreement. When they sold me internet they *cough* forgot*cough* to mention that the closest access number was long distance, and you are not allowed to use youre free long distance deal to connect to the internet. So they come up with a huge bill, yeah sue me assholes, of course, youll have to get in line after the hundreds who came before you!!!!
So yeah here I am writing and crabbing again. Was nice to see the comments when I came back. Glad someone missed meh!
Hope everyone had a Happy Holiday!!! New Years is commin, remember, if you must get drunk and drive, at least run over a cop and not a real person =D

Busy, buzy, bizzay....

2005-10-08T23:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry I havent checked here in a bit. My life makes a hurricane seem somewhat tame....

My ex got out of prison, he is trying so hard to make it but living in a shelter and not finding a job yet....not cutting it. Hes thinking about screwing his parole and going back to prison just so he doesnt have to freeze his ass off everyday. For those of you that dont know what shelter life is like........
6am they wake your butt up and out the door you go. You can come back for Breakfast and Dinner. I should have put those in quotes. My ex has been out for 12 days and has already been hospitalized for food POISONING. They expect you to wander the streets until 7pm when they let you back in. Well thats all fine and good if you believe most guys are like my ex, but theyre not. Some of them are out on parole for rape, murder, god knows what. These men, are set upon your cities, your towns, etc, because the shelter doesnt want to deal with them all day. My ex told me a story or two about the people he was locked up with, and that some of them take classes and try to do better. Some of them dont. Some of them plot out their next move, how they are gonna hide better this time. How the next crime they will plot b etter and wiser and not get caught.
DID YOU KNOW?????? That a ton of prisons are privatized in the US? If you wanted to make a sick little stock portfolio, in prisons only, I guarantee you sucess! Every time you hear 3 strikes, every time you hear there putting someone away because of a DUI....is this really benifitting YOU? OR, is it good for the privatized prison stockholder? In the old days it was state objects, like licence plates. etc. Actually that I can even understand...licence plates, road signs, etc. BUT thats not what happens anymore. They pay young people to make plates now, usually about $5 an hour. The prison workforce is sooooooooooooooo much cheaper on bigger, better, and more marketable things!!!
SCREW sweatshops in Indonesia,or (insert country here) , when places like NIKE and DISNEY can pay HALF what they pay sweatshop workers in other countries! HALF! If you have ever read about an average sweatshop worker, they make about 12 cents an hour. There are men and women in prisons making 6 cents an hour to make those disney hats and s few nike brand shoes.
AND NOW IM GONNA PISS EVERYONE OFF!!!!!!
Somebody somewhere needs to set a priority. FUCK the war on drugs. I have friends that do drugs, they roll now and then but usually smoke out. Indians consider it an herb, just let it GO!!! Id so much rather my neighbor burned one now and again than molested little kids, robbed a store, or buried people in his yard. Wake the fuck up!!!!!!!
So now I have said that little piece and I didnt even tell ya that this may very well be my last post. I am behind $1700 to my landlord. Long story......but Ill make it as short as I can. I live in a duplex, there is NO insulation except some rotted newspaper. I have plasticed all my windows, I know what is to come. The gas is off, because I have 3 kids, what my soon to be ex makes a year, were about $500 over needy. Supposedly we are in the next bracket. HA, I wish. I wish my kids had a swingset or even grass, instead of dirt.
MY KIDS are the poop! Really, they are thankful at tim es like thanksgiving and christmas!!! Last year I took them to church and we came back home and they were happy opening one gift. It freaked me out a little because when I was my sons age I got this huge stereo with huge speakers(which he bitched about and I left when i left home). As far as I know, I didnt teach my kids this, they just play with what they got. Eep I need to check yall's blogs!

She made me do it, I have been TAGGED

2005-09-25T16:31:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Carnealian to tell you even more things about myself that I probably never thought I would write on a blog, heehee.

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1.Learn how to sew like my hubby can. He makes me clothes(perhaps thats why I havent pushed for seperate places yet)
2.Learn to play one instrument really well instead of being able to play a few a little bit.
3.OWN my own home
4.Get over my fear of flying and see some countries that I have longed to see all my life. Mainly China, Germany, and NewZeland.
5.Make enough of a difference in enough peoples lives so Im actually remembered for longer than one week after I croak.
6.Get over my panic attacks so I can see what its like to be a normal person, even if its just for a little while.
7.Ok this one is far fetched, but its my dream......I want to come into a large sum of money so I can create an apartment complex for women wanting to get off of welfare. If you have ever been on it, you know the first 3 months you are working. youre screwed. No more rental assistance, no medical insurance, no food stamps. They make it impossible to get off the damn welfare because youre so afraid of losing your foodstamps and medical and going homeless, thus losing your jobs. I want non-profit funding (because if I tried to get govt funding theyd try to mess with it) to give women and single moms a place to crash for 3 months while they are first working. They wont have to pay anything at all in rent or utilities. Just buy their own groceries and save up for their first apartment. Of course, if they dont want to uproot their family, there will be the option to just stay and rent that apartment they are in. Then Ill use that money to build more and keep the ball rolling. What do ya think?
7 things I can do:
1.Type with more than 2 fingers
2.Figure out enough of this blogger code to make my page look a little more how I actually want it to
3. Speak frankly and honestly without being tactless
4.Forgive people and lose a grudge
5.Fold fitted sheets decently enough that you cant tell their fitted once their stacked up(sound easy? YOU try it =P)
6.Get into kid mode and play with my kids for a few hours and actually be fun. Build forts, finger paint, pretend the couch is a boat and we have to stay in otherwise the sharks will get us, etc.
7.Even after all the hurt and pain, I can give of myself and love truly, and completely. In the end, it is always worth it.
7 things I cannot do:
1.Speak Tagalog(and damnit I wish I could)
2.Eat Brussels Sprouts, cmon, they taste like earwax.
3.Drive on a highway, esp by myself, it gives me an instant panic attack.
4.Poop in a public restroom or someone elses house (ROFL TMI?)
5.Take the easy road(I mean this in every way and I wish I wasnt like that)
6.Quit smoking
7.Have any kind of sexual pleasure with someone Im not in love with. I sometimes envy people that can do one night stands and get something out of it.
7 things that attract me to another person:
(Yes they are in order pretty much)
1.Intelligence
2.Ability to have an good conversation and debate without getting irate
3.Eyes
4.the way they carry themselves (staring at the ground the whole time? Youre not for me.)
5.Confidence(This kinda goes with 4, but not entirely.) I like someone who will disagree with the majority if they truly disagree. Or someone that is not afraid to approach me. Better yet, doesnt sigh that "ahh" of relief just becaus I approached THEM and they dont HAVE to approach me now.
6.The Kiss-Has to be passionate, but for goodness sakes, unless youre a qualified ear nose and throat person, dont try to take out my tonsils the first time!
7.The hug-I need to be hugged like a lover, not a sister, not a grandma, Im sure yall know what I mean =D
7 celebrity crushes:
1.Wonder Woman(my first crush EVER, she was hot!)
2.River Phoenix(he was my first guy crush after seeing Stand by Me)
3.Joaquin Phoenix(what can I say, that family had some good jeans/genes, Im partial to him in Gladiator w/ the skirt on tho =P)
4.Nicholas Cage(Older Cage, Younger Cage, who cares? Theres just something about him)
5.Bai Ling (She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen)
6.Will Smith(Thank you lord for the first 5 minutes of IRobot, shower scene,ooooooh)
7.oh hell with it, Ill admit my longest running adolecent crush....
Michael Jackson-in his THRILLER days and before then. Admittedly he had the jheri curl thing happening, but I would have changed my pillow cases daily for that. Ya gotta admit, when he looked like a man, he was kinda hot!
7 Things I say the most:
1.DO YOU WANNA SIT ON THE STAIRS??????(my kids time out spot)
2.Do you need pants/do you have poop/peepee?
3.That sux ass!
4.What?( I have a habit of saying that if people look at me for more than 5 seconds)
5.I love you( To my kids, Shoin, My soon to be ex, my sister..people I talk to daily)
6.Thank You(I make a point of saying it anytime my kids do anything so they say it too)
7.Its coming, I feel weird, help(the usual words that preceed a panic attack)
7 bloggers I am tagging:(this is a hard one cuz I have seen a lot of bloggers tagged with this....tell ya what, if I tag you and you have already done this one, you should come up wit a new list of 7 things!!! You know, 7 you regret, etc)
On that note, I retag Carnealian With a list of 7 regrets
Interstellar with a list of 7 regrets (since I believe this is where this 7 things strain started =P)
Snglguy
Art
Beer Brat
Drunk Bitch
BTExpress
Mothers Daughter

Just This Once

2005-09-25T10:19:00.000-05:00

Well this is a first. I got so much out with that last rant that I actually dont have all that much to crab about and some things are going good for a change!!!*knocks on wood*
Thanks to Art for the advice on the stolen camera. I called the pawnshop and found out that my camera had not been put on sale yet. I did bring in the box with the serial number for the camera and the receipt for the pawn. They said as long as I paid the original loan back with a little interest, it was up to me wether or not to press charges against the girl who stold it. So for $23, I got my camera back! Whoohooooooooo! I am celebrating because I am in a really "broke" place at the moment.
1000 plus visitors? Wow, thats so funny considering I never thought anyone but me would read this blog! So now I have crabbed and bitched about dumb things to over 1000 people. Not sure exactly how to feel about that one =P
Im taking the kids outside to decorate for halloween today. Yeah maybe its a bit early and I usually frown on people getting all jazzed up too early for holidays, BUT, I now live in a bible thumper town. Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against Christians. This town goes a little wild on the whole subject of Halloween though. My decorating early is in retaliation of the people who have already (no Im not kidding) skipped Halloween and Thanksgiving to start putting Christmas stuff out. About half the population here sees Halloween as an evil thing to be avoided at all costs. They consider it evil to let your kids go out and trick-or-treat, etc. Many of them hold little parties at church where the kids dont get to dress up. To each his own I guess, but they seem like party poopers to me. If they really wanted to get their point across they could dress their kid up as a bible character or something and at least still let them trick or treat.
I was also thinking of making a new little blog just to keep track of what I do to my own and what I use on it. Half the time I will go to change a setting on my page and forgot how I did it in the first place. That and the next time someone asks me how I did something, I can just point to the other blog and they can see how I did it. Ill have to find a way around the html code not showing on the post though. Hmmn, well I guess thats something to work on the next time I get bored or cant sleep right?
Well Im off to dig up boxes of decorations! Hope everyone had a good weekend!

I missed Blogging!

2005-09-23T01:02:00.000-05:00

You know, my husband looked at me yesterday and said "what the hell is wrong with you" I asked him what he meant and he said I was so full of anger the last week. Funny, but all I can figure is that I havent been able to rant about shit here on my blog.
Soooooo sorry but Im about to make up for more than a week of being gone all in one shot!
Update on the roomate bitch from hell....Haha, found out what exactly happend to that bitch once she left. Well, she spent a couple days at my parents house with my sister. My dad was going to pay her to do some yard work(my parents have 10 acres) and some other stuff. She ended up with only $20 at the end of it all. My dad had a friend that needed a roomate because even at her small home she just could not make the bills, so they took bitch from hell over there. She had to clean to stay there which I heard she complained about the whole time. Then this friend of my parents took her out looking for a job sending her in various stores with now hiring signs posted. She kept coming back to the car with the same stories....they were no longer hiring, they were out of applications, etc. Well, when she fell asleep on the couch, my parents friend went right back to those same stores and got apps and thunked her in the head with them when she got home, making her fill them out. My sister saw her 3 days later and said she came out of the house crying saying she wanted to go home. My sister said, "but isnt your mom a crackhead?". Guess it wasnt that big of a deal at that point, ROFLMAO!!! Poor girl, someone wanted her to DO something in return for a place to stay and get a JOB. So yeah, she ran home to mommy as soon as she could via greyhound!
G-Dubbya....What a total ASSHOLE! If I hear one more reporter saying what a better job hes doing to prepare for Rita than he did for Katrina, Im gonna PUKE! Of course the fucker cares now that its hitting HIS home state. Not to mention theres a whole lotta white people in Texas. To quote Kanye West on the telethon, "George Bush does not care about black people". Well no shit but Im glad someone said it. Too bad he got cut off right after saying it. Not sure if he was going to add this or not so I am...He also doesnt care about anyone not in the same tax bracket or any other color other than what he is. For gods sake, you know we may have been the first ones there when the tsunami hit, but you know we gave the LEAST amout of money up? What the hell does that say about the richest country in the world? That its run by a bunch of white old pricks? You bet!
The justice system....Yet another friend of mine got arrested today. Actually there is a pic of her in my last HNT post. They picked her up on some old warrants, failure to appear in court and driving a vehicle without a license. Now these charges are like, 2 years old. She now is the mother of 1&1/2 yr old twins. They are actually thinking of giving her time to "teach her a lesson". Yes I think murders and true criminals belong behind bars, butr honestly, this is just DUMB. It was ages ago and she needs to be here for her kids now. She has a manditory 15 day hold as it is. Isnt that enough time to scare a young mom straight??? Its not like she was out shotting up a neighborhood or some shit. She just mad a couple mistakes.
My EX was supposed to be released from prison Aug 25th. He is still in prison however because they didnt BOTHER to check out his addresses or anything else he gave them until 2 DAYS before he got out. They were "Unsatisfactory". No reason given, no explanation, so in prison he sits long after his outdate until he can give them a satisfactory address where he will be staying. So there go more of your tax dollars. Remember tho, half the prisons in the US are privatized tho, so your tax dollars arent going back to the government, they are going into someones stock portfolio. They sell shares in prisons on wall street, no shit!
Moral Dilema....As some of you may remember, I had my really nice digital camera stolen. I found out recently that it wasnt the ex roomate from hell that did it, it was a friend that was desperate for money. Im not sure what to do about it. I have the receipt that she got when she pawned the camera and I would like to take the box that has the serial number on it to get it back. I dont think they could give me any shit about getting it back since I have the original stuff that says it was MINE. However I think they may try to prosecute her and I also dont want to see that happen. What should I do? I really want my camera back but I dont want to see someone else go to jail.
RAP CRAP... Ok, before yall get your finger twitchy to flame me.... I like rap. I always have. But can someone tell me when it was exactly that it all started to sound the same? I remember when it meant something, and the voices were distinctive, still are. Theres no way anyone will ever mistake Eazy-E or Snoop for being someone else. And yes fine, some of the new stuff is fun and catchy and great fro dancing to at clubs, but when did it all become soo....I dont even know the word. Either its something catchy or its something so ridiculous you cant believe it. NWA was the shit, but give it a rest people, you will never be NWA when BET or MTV does a story on you and you come from an affluent suburb....well, thats just fucked up. Rap used to mean something. I dont mean to crap on all new rap. Jay-Z and a few others are still keepin it real. Oh, and Puff Daddy, could you please change your name ONE more time!!! Your shit still sux, stick to producing =P
Update on my sister...We were fighting up till recently over her helping the roomate from hell get outta here without talking to me about the money she owed me. I feel my sister learned her lesson albeit, the hard way. She was supposed to help my sister out with a bunch of stuff once she got back with her and the bitch pulled her usual shit, sat on her fat ass and did nothing.
Anyway, a couple people asked me for a pic of the roomate from hell a while back and I debated wether or not to post a pic, but screw it! She has longer hair in this pic cuz she chopped it all off bull-dyke style. If you see this chick coming, RUN!!!

Whooooooo that felt good. Sorry that post was bitchy and all over the place, but hey, so am I!!!!
Its soo good to be back and typing like mad again!!!!!

Im Baaaaaaaack

2005-09-22T23:58:00.000-05:00

**Hums Ac/Dc's Back in Black**
Thanks to everyone for their nice posts while I was gone. Esp you guys offering to send me keyboards =P I did feel much better after reading your comments, I would be in a hell of a situation if I would have had a laptop drowned in Koolaid!
It mainly took me so long to get back online because I had to trek out an hour to get to the city to buy a keyboard. No way Im buying some generic piece of crap from walmart and spending $30 on it. I missed the whole blog thing, but not enough to get THAT ripped off! It was nice to see I was missed though!

Kreyboaerdf Issuers

2005-09-11T13:34:00.000-05:00

Scuse my sperlling on this post =P My 2 yer olfd dumpedf a dfull glass of koolaidf on my keryboardf andf this was its rersult. Most kerys typre 2 lertters at a time. So until I cvan gret a nerw keryboardf, I think my posting dfays are up. I wernt to walmart andf thery wanterdf liker $30 andf I thought that was a bit mucvh vconsidferering my kidfs hacve done this 3 other timres aleradfy this yeaer. Ill ber bacvk whern I cvan findf a more ereasonable price.

Happy HNT #2

2005-09-08T16:25:00.000-05:00

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday everyone! Well I didnt really feel up to getting nekkid and had some friends with some great piercings and tats over. So youll just have to deal with seeing THEM half nekkid =P One of them in particular is gonna kill me when she sees her pic cuz her eyes were closed, but oh well!

Thanks much to Holly, Jenna, and Kevin for being cooperative models =) Kevin is leaving for Arizona today and not even sure that hes ever coming back =( So I gotta run for now. Ill be back to catch up on blogs later tonight!!!
Check out more half nekkid people on Osbasso's blog!

LMFAO!!!

2005-09-06T16:45:00.000-05:00

I have been blacklisted on someones blog, no shit. I find it funny because #1, I dont think I have ever left a comment on this guys blog, #2 the comment I was about to leave wasnt too nice. Honestly, I wasnt gonna slam the guy or anything, just disagree. I dont know how the hell he blacklisted me. Must have seen a post by me somewhere he didnt like. Silly me, I thought no one gave a shit about a lil ol stay at home mom from Indianas opinion. At least I got a good laugh today!

Fair and Carny Season is Over

2005-09-06T00:35:00.000-05:00

Well I guess Labor Day marks the official end of carnival and fair season. At least around here. For some reason this just hit me and now Im shitty about it. I only made it to one carnival this year and they were pondering packing up because they hadnt had too many customers. So we hit a couple rides but really nothing special and we were only there for an hour. I dont know about the rest of you, but I LOVED going to fairs and carnivals when I was younger. Theme parks were ok, but that always seemed more stressful. Carnivals and Fairs have their own set of smells, noises and sights. The harker yelling for you to try some game thats nearly impossible to win. The flicker of the neon lights when they start or stop a ride. The blasting sound of death metal coming out of the direction of the Gravitron. (You know that thing that spins around and you stick to the wall?)
My favorite ride of all has got to be this thing called the Zipper. I know different companies have different names for the thing. Heres a picture if it rings a bell.
<--------
My mom got so mad when I took her on the thing cuz she lost all her change, her keys and her glasses once the thing started spinning upside down. Man I used to have so much fun at those things when I was younger. I never knew what I wanted to do first. Not to mention if youre an underaged girl wiht a skirt on, the carnies are always good for free rides, and beer, and other, uh pharmecuticals. Note to all moms with girls, dont worry about the boy next door, worry about the 18 yr old ripped as hell carny that will never be in town again and probably gave her a fake name. ANYHOO....
Its really making me miss my sister. Usually this weekend we would be at "Fall Fest" and running around together having fun. I found a pic I took of her and her best friend at the time on the tilt-a-whirl. I had just gotten a camera that takes those fast frames to make little avi movies, but I wasnt too good at holding the thing still, lol!
Im good at acting like a kid sometimes. Ok well all of the time. Something about all those lights and noises takes me back to when I was younger. I dont think thats such a bad thing for a few hours. Although as I get older, I find myself missing the FOOD more than anything. Funnel Cakes and Lemon Shake Ups ROCK!
I found a couple recipes and Im sharing them here in case anyone else missed the fun and wants to make up for it at home. Funnel Cakes, Elephant Ears, Corn Dogs, Lemon Shake-Ups, and Grilled Corn on the Cob. YUMMY! =D

Happy Labor Day!

2005-09-05T03:34:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to wish a happy Labor Day to those of you who celebrate. Most of my friends usually have to work on Labor Day and of course us moms dont exactly get Labor day off. I was thinking of just having a mini barbeque with the kids and letting them play outside, provided its nice out.
Heres a little Labor Day history in case you wanted some...

Labor Day is observed not only in the U.S. but also in Canada, and in other industrialized nations. While it is a general holiday in the United States, its roots in the working class remain clearer in European countries.

It has come to be recognized in the U.S. not only as a celebration of the working class, but even more so as the unofficial end of the summer season. In the northern half of the U.S. at least, the summer vacation season begins with Memorial Day and ends with Labor Day.

Many colleges and some secondary and elementary schools begin classes immediately after Labor Day.(Sorry Shoin, back to school for you tomorrow!)

No matter what everyone has planned, I hope you have a great day! Eat some extra BQ for me and drink something for me too cuz I think vicodin and alcohol are probably not a good combo!!

Bye Bye Popups!!!

2005-09-04T20:17:00.000-05:00

Ok just put in a new shoutbox. That damn flooble thingy was giving me the popups from hell. They should be gone now, but if anyone gets em, please post a comment on here or the shoutbox and let me know. I hate frikking popups. Heres a banner to my new one if you also wanna get rid of your flooble piece of crap =P

Also please excuse the ugliness of my counter for the moment. Im gonna go ahead and sign up for the premium one cuz I really like it. Unfortunately I dont have $5 on my credit card at the moment. (yeah, how frikking sad is that)??

My luck Straight Up Sux!

2005-09-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

Well it seems there is no end to my little run of bad luck. I started feeling it the other day. This little burst of energy I get to clean my house like a madwoman right before Im about to get sick or some other crap is gonna happen. Sure enough I woke up on Friday with a screaming mad toothache. Of course this ALWAYS has to happen on a holiday damn weekend. So here I am typing and looking like some Bush supporter came and stalked me after the last post and jacked me in the jaw!
Not sure if I have ever mentioned it, but during my 4 pregnancies, the words "morning sickness" were a total joke. The sickness had nothing to do with morning. Even the word sickness implies an event that I was not privy to. 24 hour yack-fest was more like it. To make a long story short, my teeth are totally screwed. I dont know if you guys have ever seen a bullemics teeth, but thats about what I got. Was due to have all the top suckers yanked and get implants starting in November. I thought I could make it to then, silly me, guess not.
Heres a fun little question I have in case any doctors/dentists stop by. At the point where your teeth are so bad, they keep becoming infected and affecting your sinuses and ears, shouldnt it at that point become a MEDICAL problem? That medical insurance can cover? It seems stupid that someone in my situation that didnt have dental insurance or money should just have to be sick, what, forever? I thank god I do have dental insurance, although its crappy, it will cover my extractions, just not the implants or plates. This seems retarded to me as well. They would rather keep paying $120 everytime I have an emergency extraction rather than pay $120 once for all the extractions that may not be what they deem "necessary"? Frikking morons. And people wonder why their deductibles and shit are so high. Anyway, I might be gone probably sitting on my couch and whining till Tuesday about my tooth. That is unless of course I get my hands on more vicodin =P Just didnt want yall to think I was dead or something

Tie a Yellow Ribbon

2005-09-01T22:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is an issue dear to my heart, and I know Im gonna get flamed for it, so be it!
Since WHEN did yellow ribbons become a fashion statement? I sat and ASKED people in a walmart parking lot why they had yellow ribbons on their rears. Im not good with math so Im not going to bother with percentages. The most frequent answer I got, was "because everybody else does" I got a few people that I talked to at length, (lots of army bases nearby), and had a son or daughter stationed in Iraq. When I asked them if they knew what their kids were there for, I got mixed response. Bush haters said that they were there to get Bush more oil. Bush supporters said they were there to keep peace. The majority said, "I dont know, I know they need help, but I want my son/daughter back home." By the way, during my lil experiment, a few people acted shocked to find out we were at war at all.
WHY did I do this? Well I used to want to be a journalist. I am also a nosy body and if you ask people their honest opinions, they will usually tell you them.
If you doubt my sincerity you can ask the walmart company's legal department what happened when I found out sex offenders, that were not allowed any contact with kids, were taking their polygraph tests on walmart property. Ha, I think there might have been a gag order issued with that, oops! Nothing like setting people up. Honestly, how is a conformed sex offender, not allowed contact with kids supposed to behave in a parking lot....full of kids???? Adversely why would walmart want to allow such a thing?
My brother in law went to Iraq. I have known my soon to be ex hubby since I was 16 years old. I remember my bro in law from when he was a KID. I remember the last time I saw him before he got sent to Iraq. I dont know what happened there, he wont tell me. He is WRONG. He can talk to you until you start asking about things that happened, hes happy to show you pics, and you get to a point, where he shuts down. Hes not the person he used to be. He will be himself for moments here and there, and then its gone. My husbands family literally made me sick talking about how proud they were of him. Can no one but me see the damage? Hes in the middle of talking and just shuts up?
My point is this, dont go slapping some sticker on your car because you think its the COOL thing to do. If you love the troops and hate Bush, get yourself a can of yellow spraypaint and cover up the pre printed shit and say so! I put my bro in laws name on mine. I do NOT support Bush, I do NOT support this war. I support our children, nephews, brothers, husbands,wives,cousins,etc.
I WILL NOT and CANNOT support this "war" I wont support Bush.

Happy HNT!!!

2005-09-01T15:58:00.000-05:00

Ok well here goes my first Half Naked Thursday post. Im shy though and fat and not into getting naked in front of a bunch of people. I have had 4 babies and not worked out much, you do the math. No one wants to see all my rolls =P
Anyway I figured Id post my tats. I wanna get a new one but its so much money and I want to get work done on the ones I already have first.
Heres the first one I got. It was done in a friends basement when I was 17. You know why I got it? The DUMBEST reason on the planet, my boyfriend said I wouldnt go thru with it!
My second one was the Chinese symbol for spirit (I hope) and has my Daughters name underneath it.
My third and newest is a Korean symbol for HyonAn and its on my ankle...
Sorry I have been busy busy around here. I will catch up on everyones blogs tonight when the ex is stuck with the kiddies for a bit. YAAY! =D

7 Idiosynchrosies Peculiar to me

2005-08-30T09:51:00.000-05:00

A Tag stolen off Dirty Blonde's Page cuz I couldnt think of squat to write today. So lets see, 7 reasons why Im a freak...

1. The phrase "Think outside the box" makes me cringe. I have never heard such an overused piece of bullshit. If you need to be told to not think conventionally, you probably should not be thinking at all.
2. Sometimes Ill pretend its Thanksgiving in the middle of the year. What can I say, sometimes you get a taste for Turkey and gravy, and cranberries, and stuffing, and yams, and potato salad, and greenbean salad, and all those goodies when its NOT November.
3.I like some bugs and hate others. It makes no sense. I like lightning bugs and bees but I hate wasps and other things. I think its a cute factor or a usefullness factor. Lightning bugs are cool looking and bees make honey, while wasps are just obnoxious.
4. I am currently holed up in my house and not wanting to go outside because my best friend from high school's aunt just went comotose due to West Nile virus. Being outside aint worth dying for.
5.I sometimes dip my pizza crust in ranch dressing.(dont knock it till ya tried it)
6.I cant have clocks that tick in my home. I know the seconds of my life are ticking away, I dont have to HEAR them.
7.Sometimes I act like an immiture idiot and I dont feel I owe any explanation to anyone for this. Everyone has fun in their own way.

I didnt officially get tagged with this so I suppose I wont tag anyone else either =P

Yet another test

2005-08-30T09:18:00.000-05:00

Take the quiz: "What does your dream guy look like? PICTURES"

Innocent Guy
You love the little virgin of a man who respects you and himself

Well I must admit this one had me laughing. What are the chances of a 31 year old finding a virgin??? These days Id have to date, what, a 12 yr old?

School Days....YES!!!

2005-08-29T09:15:00.000-05:00

First off, thanks to everyone for being so sweet on my last post =D

My oldest son started Kindergarten TODAY. Can you guys see me dancing thru your monitors? Honestly, I was bummed for 5 min cuz hes my little helper and also because I felt like an old hag. It doesnt seem I should be old enough to have a child in kindergarten. But hey, there are so many more good points than bad points!!! This time next week when my middle son starts preschool, I may get a whopping HOUR to myself while my youngest takes a nap! Any mom can tell you, thats priceless =D

Blog update-Ill shortly be getting rid of my tagboard and replacing it with one from somewhere else. The damn thing is causing POP UPS, ugh! I vowed never to put any of that ad shit on my blog and now Im getting the crap anyway =( Sorry if anyone has been bugged by this, it will be gone shortly =D
ALSO- Im going to be updating my link list!!! If you have been here more than once, chances are youll be on it. If anyone has a mini-button you want me to use like the ones Cassies world, Bobbed, and Seasons use, please let me know so I can get them uploaded to my pic server and put up with your link.(Or if you want me to attempt to make you one although Im not great at it yet) Thankies =D

Dont say it cant happen to you

2005-08-26T17:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, well I think ths is the first time I have really written about this, so bear with me. My daughter Kaitlyn was born in 1998. I was a week overdue and itching to get rid of the extra weight that was giving me sciatica, morning sickness(although it had nothing to do with morning), and the backaches that accompany pregnancy. The pregnancy was a rough one. I remember days when I just grabbed a book and a blanket and camped out in bed with a very large bucket next to me. There was NOTHING in "What to Expect When Youre Expecting" to cover this crap. The only solace I had was my mom telling me the exact same thing happened to her when she was pregnant with me, and I came out just fine. Yes, debatable I know.
I was scheduled to go in for induction (inducement of labor through IV) at 7 am in the morning. My hospital was closer to my moms than my own home so my husband and I spent the night there. I was awakened by sharp pains at about 10pm. YES, I thought, labor is starting on its own. I grabbed a watch and started timing contractions, they were about 20 min apart. Bummer, nothing good happening. This continued on through the night, just enough so I got no sleep.
My dad drove us to the hospital in the morning. I got hooked up to numerous machines and they started my IV. I was goofy since I had not had any sleep at all and within the next day I was going to be a parent. My husband held my hand as we stared at the blips on the baby hearbeat monitor, totally amazed. The pitocin drip started and I got my first "real" contractions. After 9 months of waiting, we were finally going to have a baby. Then it happened. Every contraction was accompanied by strange noises on the monitor and the slowing down of our babies heartbeat. My doctor looked at me strangely for a moment and then told the nurse to prep for surgery. Just like that, everything I had ever seen in every movie, everything I read about was out the window.
The anesthesiologist arrived about 5 minutes later and inserted an incredibly long needle into my spine. I neglected to tell her that I have a small case of scoliosis (nothing could have been further from my mind at the moment). She put the needle in straight as I assume they are supposed to do. In that moment I got a whole new view on what a marionette must feel like. My legs jumped incontrollably depending on how she manuvered the needle. She found the right spot (after 10 minutes of pure hell) and within a minute I was numb from the boobs down. There was a large curtain placed between me and my stomach so I wouldnt have to watch the horror show and they slapped a bunch of iodine on my belly and began to cut. Now let me explain something if you have never had a local anesthetic. You are numb to pain and only pain, everything else you can still feel. When they were cutting me with the scalpel I started giggling like mad because all I could picture was a turkey being carved at thanksgiving. The quick rapid strokes reminded me of nothing else. My husband was looking at me like I had lost my mind at this point. Then I heard the splat and the strange suction noises of them pulling my intestines out of the way. This noise was too much for hubby's curiosity and he did what he was specifically instructed NOT to do. He looked. He peeked around that curtain and saw his wife being, for all practical purposes, gutted like a fish. Up to this point in the whole deal, I was pretty much ok with everything that was happening to me. My mom had a c-section with my sister and everything was just fine, so I was scared but knew deep down everything would be ok. That is, until he LOOKED. Let me just say this, when the love of your life (someone who has always been the epitome of MANLINESS) turns ghost white, starts crying, and tells you how much he loves you, it can be a bit jarring at times like these. Before I could give that a second thought, I had my tiny little Thai doctor, that must have weighed a whole 90 pounds, say "ok, little bit of pressure now" as she basically jumped up and down on my chest. "Shes out" the doctor said, but I heard no babies cry. I saw them take what looked like a gray lump over to a table and heard some type of suction being used. They worked feverishly over her for about a minute, then I heard it, a loud cry, so loud and bitchy sounding that it could only be MY daughter. My husband stopped being so concerned with me and asked if I was *ok* enough that he could accompany her. I told him I wouldnt have it any other way.
Now I get dumped off in a room by myself. Im not sure if any of you have had a c section and had this irrational fear as well, but I kinda went a little bonkers. I could not move, get up, nothing. I kept thinking that any second some weirdo serial amputater was going to come in and hack my legs off or some junk. I know it sounds stupid now, but the fear was very real at the time. This went on for a good half hour before they brought my daughter back in to me for a try at breastfeeding. She latched on first try, whooohooo! I did something right dammit! The doctor then came in to talk to me and told me the reason for my babys heartbeat issues as they werent sure up to the point they pulled her out what was causing it. Her umbillacal cord had been wrapped around her arm, in the crook of her elbow. Everytime she would tense up with a contraction, she would cut off her oxygen and blood supply. Other than that one little mishap, she was a perfectly normal and healthy little girl. Those words brought forth an avalance crash of tears and emotion I cannot even explain. My daughter was going to be alright.
Fast forward to 2 and a half months later. My husband and I are no longer a happy couple, we are a happy family. At dinner time we no longer talk about work issues, we discuss how smart our baby is and all her incredible adventures of the day. Every smile, giggle, and dirty diaper is catalogued into our brains. I remember statements like "Thank god the green tar poop has ended" and "Oh my god, we were worried about boys shooting pee but shes a damn fountain".
Any pregnant woman will tell you, the have entertained their worst fears during pregnancy and after. Youre always worried that your baby will come out with cleft pallate, downs syndrome, sickle cell anemia, spina bifida, etc. After they are born youre worried that they may have autism or a learning disorder of some sort, or that they will die in their sleep due to SIDS. I had read up on SIDS a bunch, also known as crib-death and probably by a number of other names. Unfortunately, the information out there was somewhat bleak. I read stories about women who left their babies alone for hours at a time. I read stories about alcoholics and drug addicts that went right back to their addictions after having their babies. What I did not read about, was normal happy families like mine.
Kaitlyn Genevive never slept in her crib. She hated it in fact. She could care less about all the time spent wall papering her room and her nursery and the fine linnens that adorned her crib. She loved her mom and dad and wanted to be with them =) I repeatdely asked the pediatricians and my OB about letting her sleep with me. Their response was the same, "In other countries this is the norm. No one has ever in fact rolled over on their baby or suffocated them. Although you may find stories here and there, they are not true, these are cases of SIDS." Well my husband and I still cant *do the naughty* as per doctors instructions and since Im breast feeding its easier for her to sleep with us anyway. I revel in her movements and actions while my husband is at work, and feel bad that hes missing all this. She is so like me in so many ways. Her hands and feet are always cold, just like mine...
My husband grabs my arm and shakes me, "shes cold". I say yeah shes just like her momma. He shakes me again and repeats himself, "SHES COLD." I still didnt think much of this as her limbs were always cold just like mine. I thought, at this point, my hubby was too lazy to get an extra blanket which she didnt need anyway. "OH MY GOD" woke me up in an instant. "NO" had me looking at her face. My husband threw me the phone and immediately began performing CPR. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, hard. I pushed buttons on the phone, but none of them dialed to anything that I know of. I dropped the phone. My husband grabbed it from me and called 911. I went to slam my head against a wall to wake myself up from this fucked up nightmare, an awakening which never came. Paramedics and firemen rushing into the building, I let them in. They pull my husband ofvf of her, and do nothing.
In come the Pigs. (sorry if you dont like the reference but I have dealt with many police officers in my time, thats another post in itself). So now I am calmed down from my screaming and my panic attack by a very nice detective. Hes asking me if I loved my daughter, if my husband loved my daughter, if we were under stress, what happened last night, did we fight, etc. Out of desperation, I start thinking that they want to press charges, and they dont usually bother in Chi town unless someone is alive. I turn what hes saying into my daughter is just brain damaged but alive. The nice detective gives me a ride to the hospital. On the way we pass a bunch of kids that have opened a fire hydrant and are playing in it. I start to cry thinking my vegetable daughter will never enjoy these things.
Upon reaching the hospital, they guide me through screaming and crying people to my husband. I ask him how Kaitly is, I think he tried to answer me but it only came out as a choked grunt. Then some nurse comes in and tells me I need to speak with the chaplin. I am guided into a purposefully dark room and sat on a couch that has seen way too many butts before mine. The chaplain says, "God works in mysterious ways, some times we cant understand." This translates to me as..............
YOUR DAUGHTER IS STILL ALIVE. Im thinking shes brain damaged and a vegetable. In that moment I vow to read to her everyday, brush her hair, and anything else a mom would do.
"Would you like to see her?" the chaplain says.
It was then then that it hit. I nodded my head as I could not form a word. I was led into a closet sized room with my dead daughter laying on a table. I nearly collapsed, but I didnt. I strode forward and picked up my daughter. She had on her onsie I had put on her the night before. She was in her usual sleeping position, one arm tucked under, the other straight out. When I pulled her closer to me is when it truly hit. Her little body didnt conform to mine as it usually had. She was stiff, she was cold, she was gray. Mind you none of this stopped me from trying to leave the hospital with her. She was MY daughter, and I was not leaving her there. Of course the husband and security stopped me. The next place I headed was home.
I pulled open the top drawer of my husbands dresser. My nostrils filled with the cigar smell of the box of "its a girl" cigars he had not yet handed out. My hands found the coldness of the gun that I had fired a million times at the range. I fired it for "family security." We lived in Chicago and not one of the best neighborhoods. I had never planned to use this gun on myself. Yet here it was, not wanting to breathe another breath and the gun in my hand. I put it to my temple as I had heard of ho9rror stories on putting it in the mouth and winding up half veggie. CLICK! I know I pulled it back, CLICK. On some miraculous foresight, my husband had emptied the clip
Im glad Im alive and Im glad for my 3 wonderful sons. I just wish that my daughter could be here too. She should be here. I love you Kaitlyn, with all my heart!!!!!!!!

My History of sorts(just cuz no_Puzzy asked =P)

2005-08-25T18:44:00.000-05:00

A bit of history....
I started writing this blog as a way to vent and now I realize that some people may be reading my posts and scratching their heads. So here is a little history on my ex that is just out of prison, my about to be ex hubby, and the guy I am dating now.
My husband Adam(soon to be ex) and I have known each other since my senior year of high school. We parted ways when school was over and he went into the Marine Corps and got married to this little hussy that went to the same high school(ended in divorce 6 mos later). I went on with my life and didnt hear from him for some time. I didnt talk to him again until around 1996. We went out a few times and it was like high school all over again. We fell madly in love and moved in together. In 1997 I got pregnant and in March of 1988 our daughter Kaitlyn was born. Kaitlyn only lived 2 and a half months. (Thats a whole other subject and post so I wont get into that topic now). After she died, I thought for sure Adam and I were going to fall apart. I dont want to say that he got over it a lot quicker than I did, but he had different coping methods. I used to hate him for doing the simplest of things like eating a meal or watching a movie. I didnt understand how he could get his mind off of our daughter long enough to do either. We were both suffering in our own ways and grew distant.
We did the only thing we knew how to do or that made any sense at that point. We ran away. I could not stand to be in the home with my daughters nursery and all the things we had bought that she would never use. He could not deal with the constant questions from co-workers and family. ( Mind you Im sure that all of these people meant well.) We changed states and got new jobs and buried ourselves in work. I was working 15-17 hour days and so was he. We kept trying to get pregnant again. We knew that it would not replace our daughter, but going from being a parent to not being one is a harsh transition. Its the only thing that felt right at the time. We did eventually get pregnant and it was at that point he said, "look, you know were staying together, so why not just get married?" I said yes and before my 1st son was born we flew to Vegas and got married. And no it wasnt an elvis chapel =P
2 kids and a few years later, he is still working his same work schedule and virtually never home. The years just brought us further and further apart. Hed come home from work, flop on the couch and turn on the TV. Now Im not saying this is not normal behavior for a guy. Im just saying its not appropriate when you have been gone 13 or 14 hours and your kids havent seen you at all. He didnt want to talk, he didnt want to play with his kids, he just wanted to watch TV. A couple years of that was all it took me to start screwing around. Im not sure exactly when he started doing it too. I know he screwed my babysitter on my couch. Our babysitter was dating this guy Clay at the time. Clay and I ended up talking more and more and I eventually started dating him.
Clay was out on parole so we couldnt exactly do the typical dating thing. He had curfews and couldnt go to bars etc. Since Im at the least a weekend drinker, that sucked. We started hanging out at his apartment a lot and dummy me used to bring a 6 or 12 pk over, depending on if it was the weekend or not. Well talk about fucking luck, his PO drops by and finds the beer in the fridge which is of course a parole violation. So he gets sent back on a TPV(technical parole violation) for the beer. These are usually only something like 90 days or so long, so we werent too worried about it. Then when the parole meeting came up, the board determined that he "obviously wasnt interested in following the rules of parole" and stuck him in there for another year. UGH. Well I was willing to wait 90 days, even 6 months, but I told him there was no way I could wait another year. If this seems cold to you, we had only been seeing each other for a few months. Yes I really did like him, but that is a LOOONG time to wait for someone.
To keep my mind off of all the crap that was going on at home, I started playing this online game that I had played a few years back. Its addictive and a lot of fun so that did the trick for a while. Then I met this character named Tums(Shoin). We started talking a lot and eventually I really started liking him. THEN I find out hes 18, EEK. We talked on the phone several times and even though hes 18 Im willing to give it a shot. The rest is kinda history. Shoin and I have been together ever since, close to 8 months now. We have only got together in person twice tho thanks to the damn US customs department. Theres a post about that somewhere around here.
Now, if you read about the SKANK that was living here, I also met her on the same game I met Shoin on. Just goes to show there are some very good people out there online and also some total ASSHOLES! She moved in, I dont know, June of this year I think. She was a total user, didnt want to work, didnt want to help around the house or pick up after herself. The only thing productive she did her was blow and fuck my soon to be ex. THIS is where it gets sticky. I have had a million people tell me I shouldnt care because he and I are not together anymore. Well to them I say, YES I should care because they were both living in my house and doing some of this crap in front of my kids. (I have pics of them wrapped around each other on my couch a foot away from my kid)
(Oh and no Im not some weirdo voyeur or something they fell asleep there and I was thinking...wont these look nice in divorce/custody court.)
Still, it comes down to this..

FRIENDS should not go for ex boyfriends or ex husbands.
Ex BOYFRINEDS should not go for friends.

As far as I am concerned, they were both totally out of line and disrespectful. I have to keep things civil with my ex because of the kids and he and I are working on repairing our friendship. But I dont owe that hussy squat and Im glad shes moved on to spreading her skanky ass lies to another state =P

_To everyone that already knew all this crap, sorry for boring you, it just needed to be said_

Been CRAZY Busy

2005-08-25T13:19:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to apologize for not reading everyone's blogs as much as usual. My kids go back to school next week and I have been doing a lot of last minute school clothes and supply shopping. Not to mention trying to get back on a normal schedule so I can get them on the bus on time. Im not a fantastic sleeper anyway, so trying to go back to going to sleep at around midnight when youre used to staying up till 3 is hard.
My ex is also getting out of prison TODAY and Im trying to keep the phone freed up more as Im sure he will be calling me. The US prison system is so screwey its not even funny. As of this morning, he still didnt know exactly where he was being released to. Its one of 3 different cities. How can they not know where youre going on the DAY youre getting released? I thought maybe he had just not recieved the final say yet and called his "release coordinator" this morning. Nope, she was still clueless. Im kind of a nervous wreck. One of the 3 towns he could be going to is mine. I havent seen him in a little over a year and we couldnt really talk on the phone much due to the $17 per call rate. I hope to see him soon so I can at least get his stuff back to him =)
I hope to be back in the *writing* swing of things again soon.
<3Cassie Im glad youre back, I missed ya<3

"Never Again" she says....

2005-08-24T15:38:00.000-05:00

Ok, Im sure Im not alone here. I cant be the only one who can chalk up the times that they have said, "never again". The question is, after saying it, why do you go back and do it all over again. For me "never again" has always been associated with drinking. But I have friends that associate it with other things. Indulgence in any one thing will make you sorry the next day. Wether its vodka, microdots, or twinkies.
So what is it in the human mindset that overrides all common sense and better judgement? Is it the need to shed yourself of self esteem issues? A cure for boredom? The need to forget about things for a bit? You already know BEFORE you start how its all going to end. I think its a double whammy for those of us who are older too. We have convinced ourselves that we know our limits and are older and wiser, which is pretty much bullshit. Inevitably our friends from work/friends from high school/etc say to us, "Aw come on, just stay for one more." At this point all our *knowing our limits* gets thrown out the window. Im not saying it happens everytime, but it does happen.
I have heard that if a dog gets into beer and gets drunk or eats a bunch of marajuana and gets stoned, it will never go near the stuff again. I have also read that dogs dont have that much of what we call *long term memory*. Even so, if it made the dog sick once, it triggers something in its brain that will make it not go near the stuff again! Humans should be so lucky eh?
So this morning, when I rolled off the couch feeling like a choo choo train had rolled over my head, I uttered those words, "never again". Even as they came out of my mouth I knew they were bullshit. Then I had to go to my sons school to register him. I dont know if any one remembers the smell of grade school. They all have that "smell". Combined pencil shavings, printer ink, urine, and cafeteria food- at least I think thats the mix. Of course this makes my stomach lurch and I re-adjust my sunglasses so these happy scrappy teachers and soccer moms cant see my huge bags and dark circles. While Im signing some papers I think, "this time I mean it".
We shall see what happens. Ill be sure to post a follow up. I give myself 2 weeks to a month before I come back and post that I forgot all my oaths of "Never again".

Big Hair and Acid Washed Jeans

2005-08-23T15:17:00.000-05:00

*Since I hate putting music on blogs cuz it takes forever for people with
dial up to load the page....Just hum your favorite tune from Pretty
in Pink or the Breakfast Club while you read =P*

Ok, well here goes, as promised. Say hello to Mr Flock of Seagulls! ROFL! I was actually thinking about blurring out his face or something, but thinking back, he was the kind of guy who could laugh at himself. Now sice I had to make fun of him, I also have to pick on myself as well

Say hello to by HUGE FREAKING HAIR!!! The pic that Im wearing black and white in was at some family christmas function. Note the lovely BROWN carpet and BROWN couch. The absolute proof that just because brown matches everything, doesnt necessarily mean you should build a room around it. The pic in the green dress was for some homecomming or prom event. Whats funny is that all that time we were working SO hard on the front of our hair, we never thought twice about the back. Im sure once we turned around, we all looked like we had peacocks asses on our heads!

Now check this other ex of mine. I think it was freshman year at high school. Had to include this pic to show off his lovely acid washed jeans. Better yet I think my whole reason for dating the guy is that he worked at a roller rink. I could get in free on fridays and saturdays and you can bet I used to go faithfully every weekend. Probably sporting my own acid washed jeans complete with zippers and bows on the back of the ankles and maybe a hypercolor or forenza t-shirt. Or maybe some Z-Cavarici's, but even then those big ass things looked kinda dumb with rollerskates.

Hmmn, now let see what else did I own back then that I thought was ever so impressive? Oh, My Swatch watch of course. I think they actually still make these but undoubtedly they are no longer a mix of neon colors that wouldnt even look attractive on a neon bar sign. And no Swatch was complete without the obligatory Swatch guard. You know that little rubber thing that went over the face of the watch. In other words, the colored rubber band you just paid $6 for. You were oh so cool if you bought 2 and twisted them together making it impossible to actually see what time it was.
How about those fabulous Hypercolor T-shirts. The ones where you could walk up to someone and leave a nice handprint on them with your body heat? Those were kinda cool in the fact that on guys they looked kind of Tie-dyed. Unfortunately for girls that had ANY breasts whatsoever,we were forced to walk around with 2 big different colored circles on our chest because the shirts changed color according to body heat. Well of course our boobs were pressing on the front of the things.
Honorable mentions....I had a neon plastic pink see thru purse that you basically couldnt hold anything in. I had these goofy ankle high suede boots that didnt keep my feet warm. I went thru at least one bottle of Paul Mitchell Freeze and Shine spray a week. Oooh and I had a denim jacket (acid washed of course) with about a billion buttons on it. Witty things like, "No MBA, No BMW, No SEX". Im not sure I even knew what the hell an MBA was at the time. I went thru a tiny Madonna phase too, lace gloves and black rubber braclets. Shoot, I think there was a name for those rubber bracelets, but I forget it now. If you remember, let me know. (Had to come back and edit cuz I just remembered the name-JELLY Bracelets!! And also there were plastic neon shoes called Jellys too)
At least I saved a little face towards the end of the 80's and turned into a *waver* chick. Not sure where the pictures of that are. I know I only have a couple because my parents avoided taking pictures of me as they werent big fans of my white skin, red lips, black eyeliner and everything else look.
Anyway, Im sure there are a thousand other things I could mention, but Im sure reading this you must remember at least one or two things from back then. For you youngins reading this and laughing, just wait till you have been out of high school about 15 years and look back =D

Am I a "Poser"?

2005-08-22T04:10:00.000-05:00

Got in a discussion with my hunny last night and an interesting little topic came up. I called someone a total poser and he laughed and said "yeah but you are a little too." HUH? Ok, if youre unfamiliar with the term or havent heard it in a while, here are a couple definitions I looked up...
Dictionary.com
n 1: a person who habitually pretends to be something he is not

Urban Dictionary.com
A person who attempts to blend into a specific social group.

A poser is someone who tries hard to be something they arent. Usually, posers call other people posers because they are jealous that the person they called a poser is more skater/stoner/goth/punk/rocker/grunge/etc. than they will ever be.

I dont think that I fit into those catagories at all. I suppose I do dress a certain way but its mainly for comfort and the way it looks on me, not to fit in with someone elses ideals. I do own a couple things from Hot Topic stores which predominately serves the goth community. I love their huge big black flair pants because they have these ties on the sides so if you want them tighter on your legs you can tie em up. They are a high thread count cotton and nice and warm in the fall too. To be honest they remind me of ninja pants I used to see in old Kung Fu movies. Admittedly, I dont wear them as much as I would like to because Im afraid people will think Im weird. Honestly I have never seen a pair of these pants on anyone over 19yrs of age and Im 31. Yeesh, just saying that makes me cringe. But I also own clothes from Gap, Walmart, and about a zillion other stores. So am I a poser because I wore the Hot Topic pants a few times or a poser because Im afraid to wear them more often?

As far as mindset goes, I really dont think I fall into the catagory. I read, speak, listen to whatever I want. I dont really care when my friends look at me like Im nuts because I say I think the new song, movie, *fill in the blank* is crap even though everyone else is raving about it. I dont know, I like a lot of stuff and see no reason to be bound to only one catagory as far as anything is concerned.

The one thing I do that may be concidered "posing" is I will NOT trash other people's beliefs even if they are not my own. If I go to someones house for dinner and they say grace before the meal, I bow my head and be quiet. If a vegan friend is coming over, Im not going to start slicing up meat in front of them. Geez, I must be hungry, all my examples have to do with food =P Anyway, Im sure you get the point. Im going to make my hunny read this in the morning and post why he suggested that I was one. He was tired and didnt give me a very good explination.^My accuser and I on his last
visit to the states.
(LOL you know I still love you Shoin)

Updates, Oddities, and a Couple Questions

2005-08-21T08:25:00.000-05:00

Updates-(Just a few notes on the ex-roomie freak)
Her Grandmother called here a few days ago looking for her and asking if I had her new number. She asked me what happened. No matter how much this girl is a sleaze ball I cannot bring myself to tell her GRANDMOTHER that shes a complete slut. So I paused a minute thinking of what to say. Before I can utter a single word she asks "Was she bad?" This indicates to me that the girl has had issues in the past with moving in with people. So I just said frankly, "well she slept with my husband and that really wasnt working for me." Then I gave her my sister's number. Then I hear her mom chime in the background. She doesnt sound like a crack head at all to me. Then it occours to me that she also sent this girl money on her birthday with a card, which really doesnt sound like crack head behavior also. Mind you the whole reason this girl had to come stay with me for a bit was that her mom was such a crack head and had also stolen the money I originally sent her for the bus ticket ($200). And YES, apparently I do have sucker tattooed on my forhead for those of you who are wondering....
I posted some of these fun facts on her live journal (the one I had linked to on my sidebar) and lo and behold, she deleted her whole journal to get rid of my comment. I can only assume its so she can perpetuate her entire bullshit story to others.
So just when you thought it couldnt get any better....I find out she told my sister that I at some point GROPED her. First off, the girl was ok looking, but not some supermodel. Second, yes I was a bi like ages ago, chalk it up to experimentation or whatever. Thirdly, even if I was still attracted to women, I have serious "no-skank" rules.
On top of all this I guess my sister thought she could get some pity out of my parents for her and then was TICKED OFF that they werent going to pay for 3 months rent for the skank. Why the hell would they? My sis and I are no longer talking at this point and Im a little ticked at my mom as well since she helped them leave before I woke up so I couldnt ask the ho about the money she owed me.
Oddities-Just a few things I suppose I should have noticed then that strike me as odd now...
The skank never used to eat during the day. Shed act like she wasnt hungry at all and that she ate like a bird. But come downstairs in the middle of the night and shed be eating like crazy. Why would anyone do that?
She used to consistantly tell me that guys would annoy her at the library or while she was out walking around and she hated it, yet would put on 3 inches of black eyeliner before she went out. Does that make sense?
When an occasional guy she claimed to not like would follow her home, shed come in and beg me to go on the porch and make excuses of why I needed her help with something so she could stop talking to them. Then when I did it shed stay out with them for another hour or so even though I gave her an excuse.
The last friend I had over that she claimed she couldnt stand, ended up making out with her in my frontroom. She thought I didnt see it. After 2 more days of complaining how much she didnt like him, she calls me while hes out looking for his friends number so she can see him???
Questions-
If any of you have any ideas on this bizarre behavior, let me know. Maybe it was HER that was the crackhead? Although I can say if she was, she never did it here. I had an ex a long time ago that did the stuff and I can smell it a mile away.
Anyone else gotten visitors from strange countries? I just noticed some of the countries popping up on my new counter at the bottom of the sidebar that keeps track. Wonder if they just come across it hitting the next blog--> button.

The Downside

2005-08-20T13:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I found the downside to the cheap camera. It has an internal light meter and if there is not enough light, it refuses to take the picture. So now Im trying to figure out a way to "trick" the thing, but the photos I took at night were really bad anyway. The kids wanted to have a little campfire in the back yard. A couple times I poured a little charcoal lighter on it to make the flames big enough to make it bright enough to take a pic. Anyway, guess Ill start saving for a better camera =)

My New Camera

2005-08-18T19:42:00.000-05:00

Well since my Olympus was stolen (no Im not going to start bitching about that again) I have really missed being able to take pics. However since Im totally broke, I thought Id try one of those cheap jobbies they carry at Office Max. This super duper high end camera cost me a whopping $20! Really the pictures kind of suck, but its all relative. For $20 and 2 AAA batteries, I suppose theyre really not all that bad. It seems I just have to find the right lighting as the thing doesnt appear to get along too well with the sunshine. Here's my first pics taken with it.

Really I think it would make a great kids first digital cam. It comes with software so you can also use it as a web cam. For its price, you also wouldnt have to cry if they lost it. Its made by Digital Concepts if anyones interested. It takes 32 pics at hi res (640X480) and 117 low res(320X240)

Im going to try going out later tonight or tomorrow night and see how it does in low light. Seriously, its not bad but its making me miss my old cam! =P

What's on Your Desktop?

2005-08-17T20:14:00.001-05:00

Saw this on a friend's MSN group and thought Id use it here. Interesting to see what things people have on your desktops.....well that and sometimes scary =P
Anyway, if you want to do the same on your own bloggy, just go to your desktop and hit your *print screen* button. Then go to any image program, paint will work, and paste. Just make sure if you use paint you dont let it save as a bitmap or it will be huge!!!
Here's mine. And no Carnelian, I wasnt lying on your blog test, I change my desktop everyday or else I get bored with it XD

WHAT Box???

2005-08-17T13:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have to rant about this after flipping through TV channels a bit, which is something I rarely do. (I dont have cable so most stations barely come in). Anyway, I heard the dreaded phrase which is, I do believe, my new #1 pet peve saying. It immeadiately makes me do this cringe/roll my eyes combo move. Im sure you heard it before...

"Think Outside The Box"

UGH, how irritating. Im not sure even where this came from originally. Sounds like an Oprah or Dr. Phil-ism. Not to say I have anything against Oprah, I have enjoyed her show many times. Back to the point here, I just think its a stupid damn thing to say. I mean, once everyone is supposedly "thinking outside the box", wouldnt it be smarter to be the only one thinking "inside the box"? Not to mention I usually hear the phrase before someone does something totally idiotic. Some single mom with 4 or more kids decides to "think outside the box" and use her paycheck to get a makeover or some other dumb thing to make herself feel better instead of, oh say, buying groceries and paying her power bill! This phrase to me has begun to mean, throw common sense out the window, and no one will care or hold you accountable, because you were trying to "think outside the box". Yes I know what the phrase actually means. Its good to look at situations differently now and then. But what the phrase actually means, and how I see it being used, are two totally different things.
I had this T-shirt in High School that said Conform against Conformity. It was meant to be sarcastic. So many teenagers trying to find their individuality and not conform, that they ended up conforming to the non-conformists rules instead. Hmmn, not sure I worded that right. Anyway, hopefully you get my drift.
I guess what Im trying to say here is, be your OWN person. Don't worry about being "inside or outside" the box. This girl is going to SMASH the damn box!!! Life is too short to be worried about wether or not Im thinking inside or outside of some imaginary cube!!!!

Was Bored

2005-08-16T20:57:00.000-05:00

Took another goofy test today.....

I am Indie Girl

Click on the picture below to read more:

Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

Room for change

2005-08-16T13:14:00.000-05:00

I recently finished redoing my room and thought Id post a few pictures of it here. I have always wanted to do my room my own way, but the hubby was nagging me about it looking too girly. Now that I dont have to share and it is MY space, I figured Id do whatever the hell I damn well wanted to with it. And yeah, its WAY girly, lol. Its kind of scary though, it looks a bit like my room did when I was about 15. Am I taking my midlife crisis out on my living space?
Anyway, it didnt cost much as I dont have a lot of money at the moment. All I actually bought was a chair, new bedspread, and the paint. I made the canopy and all the other stuff myself. (Except the one pillow on my bed which my sister made for me).

Newest Addition to the Family

2005-08-15T09:17:00.000-05:00

Here is the latest addition to my household. He's a 8 week old stray that I found in the local paper. Im pretty sure he'll be a much better roomate than my last one =D His name is Tummy-Kat. He was really skittish at first. The person who put the ad in the paper said his momma took up a vacancy in her garage and was a stray. She was in love with all the kittens but already had 3 cats in her small household. Sorry about the bad pic. I had to take it with my webcam as that is now the only digital camera I have. My Olympus "disappeared" when the roomate from hell was here =(

Serious Technical Difficulties

2005-08-15T08:09:00.000-05:00

Ok, I swear this is the last time Ill be complaining about this (I hope). Im switching ISP's today even though I still have another month with AT&T. Its bad enough that I had to switch from DSL back to dial up to save money, but Im still connecting at 19KBS!!! I think I was connecting faster than that in....1996??? No joke! They insist that the problem is not on there end and perhaps it is my modem. We did have quite a thunderstorm a while back but Im thinking if that fried my modem it would just not work at all, not be connecting at slower speeds. Anyone know? Anyway, should have a new ISP tomorrow, wish me luck =D

Ding Dong, the Witch is GONE!!!!

2005-08-08T04:41:00.000-05:00

Well, so sorry for not updating recently. My life has been a bit stressful as my sister was in from out of town and my internet was all screwey! But, it all ends on a good note......the lying witch, the one who slept with my hubby has finally gotten the hell out of my house. Everyone say it with me now..."YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY"
Unfortunately, she hung out with my very naieve sister a lot while she was visiting and convinced my sister to take her back to Illinois with her and loan her some money to get to her next "victim". I feel bad that my sis lost out on a bit of money. I feel even worse that my sister helped her plot to leave when I was asleep so I couldnt say HEY, where the hell is the $159 you still owe me, not to mention all the smokes and food I bought you while you were here??? But hey, I guess $159 is a small price to pay to rid myself of the tramp! Maybe now with all the stress gone and all the money Ill be saving with the hoochie gone, I can concentrate on the more important things in life =D

Todays Rants

2005-07-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

Well as you can see by my new pic I cut my hair and now Im wondering how sorry Ill be about it in a few days. It was finally all one length again but its hard to get anything done with over a foot long "bangs" falling in your face all the time so I decided to cut them off, Eeek!

I have still been on and off trying to figure out how to get more information on the US customs department. For anyone who doesnt know, my boyfriend was denied entry to the US from Canada because they ASSUMED for some odd reason that he was going to attempt to stay here illegally. Hes been here twice already so Im not sure why they thought he was going to stay this time. We were waiting on buying his return ticket until September when he was actually going back. US customs told him that was a big part of the problem. So while he stayed in Windsor overnight, I got him a return ticket and he returned to cutsoms with proof that he had it the next day. Well that REALLY ticked them off. They said if he returned again without this long list of crap, they will ban him from the US for 5 YEARS??!! Gimmie a break. If they would have given him that list of things he didnt have on him in the first place, he would not even attempted to make it through the second day. Im not exactly trying to be un-patriotic here. I have had a brother in law spend too much time in Iraq for all that. But honestly, it makes me realize what others must think of the US. If I didnt live here and went through something like that with customs, I would hate this country too. Maybe its time to move >.<
On the upside I finally figured out how to put a tagboard on my sidebar =) Tag me if ya like!

Doing a bit of Maintenance

2005-07-15T15:06:00.000-05:00

Please exuse the look of my sidebar for a bit, doing a little of work (thanks to Stan for telling me how to make new sections =D)

Owww my HEAD!

2005-07-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

All I can say is waaay waaay too much vodka last night. Yeesh! Someone remind me not to do that again. Ok, light from the monitor is piercing my already throbbing head =P Took a nerd test earlier, not sure if I did good or bad.....

Another night, maybe I can really do this....

2005-07-14T00:12:00.000-05:00

I am about to spend another night alone, I know to some that seems no strange feat. I have panic attacks and therefore usually have someone "stand-by" in the same room with me. My ex has finally manipulated this into believing I still want to sleep with him. Im not going to say that I havent, but it was always because of my fear of being alone, and he knows it.
I am 31 years old, and have never had a place of my own. I was always with roomates or boyfriends or on the street. I have never had a place that was just pure and simply, MINE. And to this day, the whole idea of it scares the chit out of me. In my youth I strived to be so independent. I was going to conquer the world. Now I am but a shadow of that person. Will I keep shrinking with age until there is nothing left? Am I always the bad guy? My friends have slept with my player husband and all of them make ME feel guilty that I dont trust them or want to be friends with them anymore. I keep hoping this is all a bad dream. I had dreams like this before. When I woke up, my family was still in tact, my husband still loved me, and everything was alright. Is this nightmare ever going to end?
I moved a girl in with me that said she was desperate. Her mom was doing crack and she needed to get the heck out of her place. I didnt "know her"-know her but we had been talking online for a good year. Within a week after she gets here shes sleeping with my husband. Now honestly, I was falling for someone else and he had messed around at this point. Why does no one understand that its different, me messing with an occasional stranger(by stranger here I mean not a friend or his or a coworker-stranger to HIM, I have never had a one night stand), than a FRIEND in my house that he is screwing around with. #1 she is supposedly my friend and shouldnt go for my x in the first place if she gave a crap about me. #2 he should not go for said friend as he knew and Im sure his only motive was to hurt me.(haha joke is on him, he had already hurt me so much that the emotional endorphins were kicking in and I was a bit numb).
So here I am now. My supposed best friend, that has lied to me twice about sleeping with the ex. My ex, that I dont think has ever told a truthful word in his entire life. Me- a bit emotionless while I have met a guy that may damn well be my future, but I cant do this now.....
What do you do when everyone you know betrays you? Im sure this happened to me and possibly everyone in grade school, I just forgot how to deal with it ...

QOTD(Question of the day)

2005-07-13T22:18:00.000-05:00

Is it really sad that some guy stumbled upon my blog on accident and I have been carrying on a convo with him via blog comments the last 2 hours? Is this a sign I need to get out more? ROFL!

RAWR and WOOT!

2005-07-13T21:25:00.000-05:00

The first bit of good news I have had in quite a while!!!! My friend should be getting out of Prison tomorrow now that he has found a place to stay and call home. If you should ever read this blog entry, you know who you are and welcome back to civilization my semi-self-adopted-big-bro. I have missed you bunches. Hugs and Kisses from you self-adopted-lil-sis! <3

Lies, lies and more lies

2005-07-13T16:40:00.000-05:00

Ok sometimes I wonder if my ex is just a liar and that great a manipulator or just has some split personality disorder. (Thanks to <3shoin<3 for pointing that out this morning) 12 hours earlier hes screaming at me for goofy chit and now he wants to be best friends again. What the hell is up with this guy? He never did call a psychiatrist or a councelor as promised that he would aproximately a week ago. Honestly sometimes this guy scares the hell outta me. Perhaps I should post his pic so all girls that see him coming can RUN like hell in another direction? Or would that be considered bitter and jaded? *smirks to self*

Well, BLAH

2005-07-13T05:30:00.000-05:00

Ha, funny I thought at this point Id have something interesting to say but as it seems I wasted all of my writing skills on my about me section. Knowing myself Ill probably never write in this thing again but who the hell knows. 5am need to sleep before another panic attack hits......nighty night blogville.